janiv's Review of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

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Terrible movie. I'm not even sure why they're calling these movies the Hobbit anymore. It might as well be a completely different story. Did the new white orc in the first movie annoy you? Yes? Well good, because now you have another one. The first one is busy with something else so they introduced another orc boss to harass the characters through the whole movie. Now you have two white orcs to be annoyed by. Fancy totally unnecessary romances that never happened? Wonderful. Get ready for an elf and a dwarf to fall in love. Couldn't get enough of Legolas surfing while in combat? Get ready for him to surf on an orc body down some stairs and do ballet on top of dwarf heads as he floats down a river killing orcs. Don't worry though, Legolas doesn't have all the fun. One dwarf in a barrel becomes a ball in a pinball machine and bounces off like twenty orcs knocking them all down before the barrel lands and the dwarf turns into some spinning armored barrel of death with axes. How about that dragon? He lives in a mountain that might as well be Scrooge McDuck's money vault with all the gold it has inside of it. The dragon has no problem finding an invisible hobbit but has an immensely hard time finding a group of dwarves that are sneaking through his lair even though the Dragon walks right on top of them. And you get to listen to about 45 minutes of the dragon talking to them all about how he's going to kill them. Terrible movie. Just read the book and forget these even exist.
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Okfor ages12+